January 2011
31 posts
1 tag
Lube
Lube (loob) 1. -n. lubricant; water-based liquid or jelly used to enhance or replace the body’s natural lubrication. 2. -v. to lubricate.
The first time we tried anal. I wound up with half a bottle of lube dripping off my butt.
1 tag
Shitter
Shitter (shit-ter) -n. 1. bathroom; toilet. 2. defecator, a person who takes a shit.
I was so drunk and couldn’t find a shitter anywhere in the French Quarter, so I think I may have taken a crap inside a Marti Gras parade float.
1 tag
Shaft
Shaft (shahft) -n. the area on an erect penis from the base to, but not including, the head.
Well, stroke my shaft and call me Shirley.
1 tag
Pornography
Pornography (pawr-nog-ruh-fee) -n. sexually explicit writings, pictures, videos, etc designed to stimulate or arouse.
My perfectly healthy fondness for pornography will in no way interfere with my ability to have a fulfilling relationship with a woman should I ever feel the need to speak to one.
1 tag
Pissed off
Pissed off (pist awf) -adj. experiencing displeasure; annoyed or angry.
I don’t know what I’m more pissed off about; Jenny McCarthy’s misguided activism or the fact that I still want to bone her.
2 tags
Cum jockey
Cum jockey (kuhm jok-ee) -n. 1. a homosexual. 2. a top who prefers to ejaculate inside his partner.
Oh, Tim never pulls out, my little cum jockey loves to enjoy the ride to the bitter end.
1 tag
Blowjob
Blowjob (blō’jŏb’) -n. oral sex performed on a man; the act or an instance of fellatio. see also blow job.
I could really go for a blowjob right now, but my jaw is sore.
1 tag
Homo
Homo (hoh-moh) -n. a gay male; homosexual.
I think it’s an exaggeration to say I was spreading hate, but I’ve stopped calling my buddies “you homos.”
1 tag
Semen
Semen (see-muh n) -n. whitish, sticky, sperm-containing fluid produced in the male reproductive organs; cum.
Slutty Shelia spent Saturday sucking semen out of sweaty sailors by the seashore.
1 tag
Sadism
Sadism (sey-diz-uh m) -n. sexual gratification achieved by causing pain, degradation or humiliation to others.
The most brutal act of sadism in the history of mankind took place during the decline of the Roman Empire, the second worst was during my second marriage.
3 tags
Oral sex
Oral sex (awr-uh l seks) -n. sexual activity involving stimulation of the genitals using the mouth, tongue, teeth or throat. See also fellatio and cunnilingus.
If I loved ice cream as much as you love oral sex, my tongue would still be pretty tired.
3 tags
Cock-knocker
Cock-knocker (kok- nok-er) -n. 1. an uncool person. 2. an asshole or selfish jerk.
My boss was such a cock-knocker in that meeting; he either shot down or took credit for all my ideas.
1 tag
Fucknut
Fucknut (fuhk- nuht) -n. an annoying idiot.
The guy the cable company sent over is a total fucknut, my DVR is still recording every damn rerun of Law & Order.
1 tag
Dickhole
Dickhole (dik-hohl) 1. -adj. a jerk; asshole. 2. -n. the mouth as used for oral sex. 3. -n. the urethra.
Shellie’s ex-husband was such an abusive dickhole that anytime she disagreed with him he’d just yell, “Shut your dickhole and blow me.”
1 tag
Damn
Damn (dam) 1. -v. to condemn to hell. 2. -inj. used to express anger, annoyance, disgust.
Damn you, I can’t get your gum out of my damn pubes.
1 tag
Dick
Dick (dik) -n. 1. penis; the male sexual organ, also used for urinary excretion. 2. a mean or contemptible man.
Didn’t your parents teach you not to be a dick?
1 tag
Shit
Shit (shit) -n. 1. excrement; feces. 2. an act of defecating; evacuation. 3. lies, exaggeration or nonsense.
“I can’t take any more of your shit,” she said as she finished cleaning their toilet.
1 tag
Bitch
Bitch (bich) –n. 1. a female dog. 2. a mean or uptight woman. 3. anything difficult or unpleasant. 4. -v. to complain.
Life’s a bitch and so is Cindy in accounting.
1 tag
Poon
Poon (poon) -n. the vagina; pussy.
Guys who talk about poon all the time rarely talk to an actual woman.
1 tag
Impotence
Impotence (im-puh-tuh ns) -n. chronic inability to attain or sustain an erection for the performance of a sexual act.
The divorce papers just listed “irreconcilable differences” but even the neighbor’s knew Bob’s impotence was to blame.
1 tag
Quim
Quim (kwim) -n. vagina; pussy.
My only regret upon removing her knickers with my teeth was despoiling my handlebar mustache with the juice of her quim.
1 tag
Chode
Chode (choh-duh) -n. 1. a small penis or one that is wider than it is long. 2. the perineum, the flesh between the genitals and anus. 3. a loser or oafish male. (see also choad.)
You’ve never seen a worse chode than Paul’s, his penis looks like a cartoon character that ran into a brick wall.
3 tags
Ta tas
Ta tas (tah tah-s) -n. large breasts
Her ta tas are not only bodacious, they are truly wondrous to behold.
3 tags
Tribadism
Tribadism ([trib-uh-diz-uh m) -n. 1. lesbianism. 2. practice in which one woman lies on top of the other and simulates the male role in heterosexual intercourse.
When my college professor said she was into tribadism, I assumed she wanted to come over and see a bunch of African art on her walls.
1 tag
Muff
Muff (muhf) -n. pussy; a woman’s pubic area
I think I won her over when I whispered that I wanted to snuggle up in her muff all night.
1 tag
Unload
Unload (uhn-lohd) -v. to ejaculate.
I caught my girlfriend downloading bukkake porn but she hasn’t asked me to unload in her face yet.
1 tag
Butt
Butt (buht) -n. the two fleshy protuberances forming the hump of the ass; buttocks.
My husband thinks he gets butt action when I’m on my period because he brings me chocolate, but really it’s so we don’t bloody the sheets.
1 tag
Damn
Damn (dam) -n. 1. to condemn to hell. 2. to express anger, annoyance, disgust.
Damn it Frank, scarlet is not your color.
1 tag
Masturbate
Masturbate (mas-ter-beyt) -v. to engage in the stimulation of one’s own genitals, esp. to orgasm. 2. to give yourself sexual pleasure.
Sixty-five percent of the guys you know have masturbated at work.
1 tag
Fucking
Fucking (fuhk-in) –adj. damned; confounded (used as an intensifier).
I woke up in a pool of my own vomit, happy fucking New Year indeed.